Coach Kimmie’s got a problem…

by: Coach Kimmie

BEWARE: uncomfortable moments, serious truths, confessions, and bad words…                  It is so hard to admit this and put myself out there this way. I’m taking a huge chance that you’ll still respect and like me.  And this was written last week.

Wednesday April 3rd, 2013the heaviest, sickest, most self-disgusted & addicted feeling day of my life…

And it’s all because of food.  I love it and I hate it.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve been dealing somehow with my weight. As early as age 5 or 6, I remember being the fat kid and feeling very uncomfortable in my clothes. Belly rolls peeking over the top of my “husky” jeans, sausage-y arms squeezed into hand-me-down tops from my skinny older stepsister, and wearing a t-shirt over my bathing suit at any time – these were just part of my daily discomfort.

My dad and I were pretty poor when he and my mom divorced. I was already chubbier than I should be at that time, but I’m pretty sure his sadness and guilt helped to feed me more than I should have been eating.  Living in the south didn’t help; everything was fried, dipped, rolled, sweetened, or just too big of a serving!

When my dad remarried and we moved into my stepmother’s home, everything changed. At age 8, I became an employee in our home business, food was on a rationed basis, and I had to learn how to be sneaky if I didn’t want to get unbearably hungry. Thus began my “secret eating” habits and unfortunately they’ve stayed with me.

Over the years, I’ve had stages of skinny, exercising daily, healthy, overweight, zero exercise, just plain fat, and super fit. I’ve taken diet pills, fasted, cleansed, juiced, and followed plan after plan. As an adult, I’ve weighed everywhere between 130 and 185. I’m only 36 years old so that’s a huge fluctuation in 18 years. And I still ended up here.

Today, I feel like I’ve finally overdosed on the bad stuff. I’ve been able to keep this addiction fairly under control most of my life.  But today, I’m ready to pump my stomach, spend time in rehab, and get myself clean!

unhealthy-food

No joke, it’s time to do something about it.  I’m having a blood test tomorrow to rule out Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis. I’ve been eating more gluten and sugar in the last several days than usual so the test shows a true yes or no status. Yesterday afternoon, I felt unusually tired, my joints ached, even my skin hurt, and I had a generally crappy feel – sort of like I had a flu coming on. But no fever.  This is not the first time I’ve had these symptoms, mind you.  But NEVER have I woken in the middle of the night with such SEVERE upper abdominal cramping, sweating, and pain!! I believe that because I had a few weeks of fairly clean eating and being aware of my food intake that now my body is saying F**K YOU for the cupcakes, bread, and other crap you’ve been putting in me!  The symptoms lasted through the middle of today (approximately 30 hours) and although I feel a little better, I know I’m not “right”.

The last 3 ½ – 4 years have been super hard on me – physically, emotionally, mentally.  Most of you know I lost my mom in 2009 and I’ve had a really hard time with that loss. I immediately threw myself back into work and never took the time to grieve her death. I lost my motivation to exercise regularly, made some poor nutrition decisions, took my wife/relationship for granted and basically started living way too superficially. The end result?

Here.

Now.

Unhappy with myself.

So yes, I am ready for change.

I’m ready to be rid of these horrible feelings of guilt and fraudulent behavior.

I want to feel & look better.

I want to be healthier.

I want to be a better person, spouse, friend, and trainer.

I want to banish my addiction…once and for all.

And I will…

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8 thoughts on “Coach Kimmie’s got a problem…

  1. OMG-this is a heart felt awareness read! Thanks for making yourself vunerable to your reader. I can feel your struggle, which I too have been through. Lost my mom when I was 14, and am still not quite sure I have totally dealt with that lose. It’s the steps you take after your awareness that will get you through most bad days, I’m proud and love ya!

  2. I had NO idea. It can be so hard to let go of the negative self-image, the feeling of not being “good enough” at living your own life. The idea that we have to be perfect, know everything, do it all right, all the time, because otherwise we’re just unlovable failures. (Trust me on this one. 😉 ) Ain’t no way to live, and even just surviving that way is no picnic. (You should pardon the food-related metaphor…)

    You will succeed. Instantly? Who gets that? 😉 But you will succeed. Remember always to be good to yourself, to allow for the occasional slip, because, y’know, might happen. Release it and go on.

    Hurrah for your bravery and determination, and your willingness to let us see a little of what you’ve been fighting. Love you, girl.

  3. How open and honest of you to share your story. We can relate and learn from each other. You always looked healthy and beautiful to me. As soon as I can fully recover from my heart issues in a month, I hope to rejoin your classes.

  4. Brave words from an amazing trainer who works in fitness. I’m sure this testimony will inspire your clients even more. Wishing that you feel your best, work towards balance and have a sense of humor about your ups and downs. After all, we’re all just spiritual beings, with the challenge of living in a physical word. Many blessings to you.

  5. So courageous of you to tell it like it is! You’ve already taken the first step just by being honest. So hard to do for all of us. We all have our ‘stuff’, but together we will overcome. I love you and cheer for your best life, always and forever! YOU GOT THIS!

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