by: Coach Kimmie
BEWARE: uncomfortable moments, serious truths, confessions, and bad words… It is so hard to admit this and put myself out there this way. I’m taking a huge chance that you’ll still respect and like me. And this was written last week.
Wednesday April 3rd, 2013 — the heaviest, sickest, most self-disgusted & addicted feeling day of my life…
And it’s all because of food. I love it and I hate it.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve been dealing somehow with my weight. As early as age 5 or 6, I remember being the fat kid and feeling very uncomfortable in my clothes. Belly rolls peeking over the top of my “husky” jeans, sausage-y arms squeezed into hand-me-down tops from my skinny older stepsister, and wearing a t-shirt over my bathing suit at any time – these were just part of my daily discomfort.
My dad and I were pretty poor when he and my mom divorced. I was already chubbier than I should be at that time, but I’m pretty sure his sadness and guilt helped to feed me more than I should have been eating. Living in the south didn’t help; everything was fried, dipped, rolled, sweetened, or just too big of a serving!
When my dad remarried and we moved into my stepmother’s home, everything changed. At age 8, I became an employee in our home business, food was on a rationed basis, and I had to learn how to be sneaky if I didn’t want to get unbearably hungry. Thus began my “secret eating” habits and unfortunately they’ve stayed with me.
Over the years, I’ve had stages of skinny, exercising daily, healthy, overweight, zero exercise, just plain fat, and super fit. I’ve taken diet pills, fasted, cleansed, juiced, and followed plan after plan. As an adult, I’ve weighed everywhere between 130 and 185. I’m only 36 years old so that’s a huge fluctuation in 18 years. And I still ended up here.
Today, I feel like I’ve finally overdosed on the bad stuff. I’ve been able to keep this addiction fairly under control most of my life. But today, I’m ready to pump my stomach, spend time in rehab, and get myself clean!
No joke, it’s time to do something about it. I’m having a blood test tomorrow to rule out Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis. I’ve been eating more gluten and sugar in the last several days than usual so the test shows a true yes or no status. Yesterday afternoon, I felt unusually tired, my joints ached, even my skin hurt, and I had a generally crappy feel – sort of like I had a flu coming on. But no fever. This is not the first time I’ve had these symptoms, mind you. But NEVER have I woken in the middle of the night with such SEVERE upper abdominal cramping, sweating, and pain!! I believe that because I had a few weeks of fairly clean eating and being aware of my food intake that now my body is saying F**K YOU for the cupcakes, bread, and other crap you’ve been putting in me! The symptoms lasted through the middle of today (approximately 30 hours) and although I feel a little better, I know I’m not “right”.
The last 3 ½ – 4 years have been super hard on me – physically, emotionally, mentally. Most of you know I lost my mom in 2009 and I’ve had a really hard time with that loss. I immediately threw myself back into work and never took the time to grieve her death. I lost my motivation to exercise regularly, made some poor nutrition decisions, took my wife/relationship for granted and basically started living way too superficially. The end result?
Unhappy with myself.
So yes, I am ready for change.
I’m ready to be rid of these horrible feelings of guilt and fraudulent behavior.
I want to feel & look better.
I want to be healthier.
I want to be a better person, spouse, friend, and trainer.
I want to banish my addiction…once and for all.
And I will…